i think i'll join facebook to get an internet boyfriend.

then i instantly change my mind.

who wants to go on a roadtrip this weekend??


Suzanne said...

you do you do! and i know just the place...with crazy meth addicts and dinosaurs! you cannot resist it.

Jace Hirschi said...

Resumé For Regular World Friendship:

I usually get jokes.
I won't steal your stuff without asking.
I'm a pretty good driver.

Unique Items brought to potential friendship:
One digital upright piano
A fairly good collection of painting supplies
Big TV
A growing collection of spent polaroids
Roughly 35 feet of 7 inch wide aluminum flashing
Awesome sense of humor
A newish hack saw and accompanying mini hack saw
Good collection of matching cereal bowls
My own 12" frying pan and Santoku knife


Previous Long-term Friendship Experience:
Gregory Harry Turner: Friends since roughly June of '88. We're like Batman and Robin where I'm Batman and he's Robin. Or, if you want to go the other way with it, more like 2 regular American Americans.
Melissa Ann Newey Hirschi: Friends since 2004. Married 4 years. She's pretty cool. We get along pretty dang good. She likes to run and do crosswords and such. Not Sudoku though. Has None Natural Smell (see below).

Physical Description:
Obviously you've seen me. But if you're anything like me, and I'm hoping you are, your friend calculation spread sheet also includes physical descriptor columns. If you have a unique variable that I fail to include, let me know.
Height: 5'10"
Weight: Nunyo - I'm a lady
Age: 26
Widow's Peak: Negative
Lobes: Attached
Double Joints: I think my thumbs are
Princess Toe: Negative
Balding: Inconclusive
Braces: Negative
Glasses: Affirmative
Moles: 3
Natural Smell: Mild to Moderate
Weird Ear Bumps: Affirmative
Allergies: None
Known Irritants: Antiperspirant deodorant if used more than 4 successive days. See Natural Smell.

Other Things to Consider:
1- Probably important to know that I'm not super loyal. I mean, I'm a good friend, but I can't conclusively say whether or not I'd still be your friend if some cooler person came along and presented me with a well thought out and structured ultimatum that included a "de-friending you" clause.
2 - I get that I'm undeniably handsome. Fortunately, the wife is an even more handsome woman. This means there needn't been any sort of weirdness when I catch you gazing longingly in my direction. I know it's not "me" per-se, just my face, shoulders and ass.
3 - I almost always get jokes.

Final Thoughts:
I know you're in the middle of a pretty extensive interview process with many potential candidates. You've also informed me that you may be interested in promoting a current position holder. I know that you would find that I would be able to quickly fill the vacated position and I would do so with fervor and enthusiasm and proper execution of the duties and responsibilities inherent in friendship.

Thank you for your consideration.
Jace Hirschi

Because the neterwebs are an unsafe place, I'm going to provide my contact information in code. Please let me know as soon as possible as to the status of my application.

Phone: Start with 4 then subtract 1 from that then add 2 to that. Those are the first 3 numbers, 435. The rest goes as follows. Start with 3 then -2, +2, then add a -. Then start with 3 then +2, -2, +5. Then hit Make Call.

k tron said...


Jace Hirschi said...

cool. when do i start?